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Pussy Riot

Hello friends.

Last night I found myself at the bar of a local bistro nursing the wounds from an unfortunate online date (nothing dramatic, just not a match) and the whole thing forced me to reevaluate my life. Going forward, I am going to implement the following:

Hellz Kitten’s Manifesto

1. Hellz Kitten does not go on online dates.

It’s not that HK is against online dating per se, it’s just that HK is at a point in her life where it’s unacceptable to subject herself to evaluation by people who look like Big Pussy from The Sopranos (only shorter). HK prefers that her relationships unfold organically (and ideally involve tall, handsome German sausages).

Why couldn't it at least have been Johnny Sack?
Why couldn’t it at least have been Johnny Sack?

2. Hellz Kitten only spends time with people who add something to her life.

That includes bartenders who throw HK a free drink now and again.

3. Hellz Kitten has many passions and spends her time cultivating them (and finding more).

Believe it or not, HK has passions aside from drinking wine and stalking people online. For example, she also watches a lot of reality TV.

Oh okay. For real, HK promises she will take that painting class that she keeps talking about. And she is going to write a novel about her days at the steakhouse and she is going to learn French. She promises.

4. Hellz Kitten goes on “artist dates” once a week to inspire creativity and passion.

HK obviously stole this from The Artist’s Way (HK has no qualms about borrowing), but HK thinks it’s a great idea. And HK acknowledges that happy hour doesn’t count.

5. Hellz Kitten travels as much as possible.

Duh.

6. Hellz Kitten always meets interesting people.

HK resolves to find something interesting about everyone she meets, even if it is only the fact that they look like Big Pussy from The Sopranos.

7. Hellz Kitten is spontaneous.

HK won’t hesitate to call sick to go to a Red Sox game or order a third martini on a Monday night. Okay, HK doesn’t usually drink martinis, but she might if you offered her one.

8. Hellz Kitten has lovers (not livers) all over the world.

HK made a typo when she was initially writing these notes, but she thinks it wouldn’t be a bad idea to have a back-up liver ready to go no matter where she is.

9. Hellz Kitten always has a sense of humor.

If HK loses her sense of humor, she promises to kill herself in as spectacular a way as possible.

10. Hellz Kitten spends as much time in warm weather as possible.

This may be difficult considering HK loves NYC so much, but HK thinks a tanning bed counts.

11. Hellz Kitten doesn’t care what other people think.

This is hard, because HK really does care what other people think. But she is working on it.

12. Hellz Kitten is authentic.

See above. Someday, HK will bare her soul to Barbara Walters and hopefully not because she murdered somebody.

13. Hellz Kitten will always over-tip.

HK is extremely grateful she doesn’t have to wait on assholes anymore.

14. Hellz Kitten is going to learn French.

HK really means it.

15. Hellz Kitten is going to perform onstage alone in 2013.

HK was a little tipsy when she wrote these down, so she’s not really sure about this one. But HK is not completely opposed to it. HK will see what happens.

16. Hellz Kitten is going to make out with G-Saus and many others in 2013 (and going forward).

Well, HK will make out with the German sausage and other handsome strangers until she finds the one who makes her not want to make out with strangers, handsome or otherwise, anymore.

17. Hellz Kitten isn’t scared.

Of course HK is terrified, but HK will not let that stop her.

18. Hellz Kitten will continue to be best eavesdropper ever.

HK has a knack for overhearing the best conversations ever. Like the one last night where the guy’s date when to the bathroom for 20 minutes and came back all fucked up and it was 2:00 pm on a Sunday and they were on their way to the movies. Also, HK kicks ass at getting bar seats.

19. Hellz Kitten can still be awesome in the background.

HK isn’t sure what she meant when she wrote this, but if she were going to speculate, it might mean that HK doesn’t have to have her own Bravo show (even though she deserves one) to be awesome. HK will get back to you on this one.

20. Hellz Kitten will turn negatives into positives.

For example, at least Big Pussy inspired HK to write a blog post. And a manifesto. Next up: acquire some henchmen.

21. Hellz Kitten is not a douchebag.

HK will stop talking in the third person now.

xoxo,
HK

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